About a month ago, my email software program had a "worm" or "virus" or something that prevented me from sending emails. It was a particularly busy time for me as I was organizing a teacher training program and a non-profit fundraiser and wanting to respond to all of the emails that came my way each day. Or so, I believed it to be a "busy time". It was unnerving that I had internet service, I had a working computer and yet I was not able to function because I couldn't send out emails. I found myself in this madness and frenzy of not being able to send out all of these letters and emails that I had "listed" for myself. And, this realization was a wake-up call. How could I have let the machine run the human. Isn't it the human that manages the machine?
I went through a kind of withdrawal and frustration and I realized quite simply: I was addicted. I was addicted to email, to messaging, and I had started equating my self in relationship to others through the computer and the blackberry. Taking a big step back, I went cold turkey off technology for a couple of days and sat still. In reflection, in meditation and with breath, I remembered. There was a time not too long ago when we called each other. There were no cell phones, but answering machines. Meeting people meant setting dates and going to the place agreed upon at the time negotiated. Period. Payphones were on most corners and communication was immediate and in real-time. Now and present. In business, faxes and messenger services took care of urgent details and lunch dates and meetings made work meaningful and fun. And it all managed just fine.
With this realization, I took a big break from technology and considered the idea that we have lost touch with our humanness. We are people turning into robots, as we depersonalize the most important element of our humanity which is our natural desire for personal contact, awareness, attention, affection, allowing, acceptance and appreciation through voice, touch, taste, sound and sight. A machine or an emoticon should not replace the hello, the embrace or the smile. Yet, the lack of human contact with communication via machine is where our emotional and social intelligence is being reformatted.
The technological age has created freedom is some ways and slavery in others. With communication devices zipping and zapping information to us so quickly there is the inherent expectation to respond in the same speedy fashion and yet the human response reciprocity mechanics of the human brain may require more processing time than the computer chip. In plain language, the blackberry message comes through instantly and yet our natural thought processes usually take more time and require more awareness than an instant response.
At least my brain does better with more time and space to process human interactions! And so, over the last month, I returned to my list of things to do, rewrote the list and starting making calls. The old-fashioned way of communicating with people: the phone call! Simple and delicious and spacious. Giving up the email, the blackberry messaging and the texting was a much needed and required rest. In calling people and having live and present conversations, the most curious and humorous thing has happened. When I phone people, the call is answered usually quite promptly and the response is, "Hi, Stephanie! What's wrong? Are you okay?" I laugh on the other end of the line recognizing that the phone call is being answered and it is such a novelty ~ we don't call each other anymore ~ that it indicates urgency. As the phone conversation continues, there is usually laughter, shared information that is immediate and relevant and a commitment to see each other in the future. And the cycle of human contact continues.
I'm not giving up on email and text and blackberry messenging all together. They are here to stay and quite effective. However, keeping the tools of communication that are available and useful and purposeful in "checks and balances" will be a happier place for me and my social and emotional needs as a person. This has been my awakening. And the invitation is here to try it for yourself. Pick up the phone instead of texting or emailing for business and personal endeavors and see what happens. Take a vacation from the technology, create a retreat for yourself and open to the beauty, grace and spirit that surrounds you and your waking, walking, talking human life.
Om Java Om!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
You Spot It ~ You Got It
Contemplating conversations over the past couple of days where misunderstandings of text, email and blackberry messaging has created a number of foibles and fallacies, there is a lack of a deep consideration for a number of perspectives when we move so quickly through emotions via technology. First, the immediacy with which we judge and condemn a situation and then, in effect, judge and condemn others, specifically under the influence of emotions and quick fingers, is debilitating to the process of understanding another person's perspective and also in giving our own emotions, and the situation at hand, time to evolve. Here the lesson seems to be to slow things down and take conflict "off-line" and work through human elements in human ways such as the old-fashioned personal conversation or over a shared meal. When presented with relational and interpersonal communication challenges, the velocity at which we currently speed through temperaments does not seem to give space for possibility of other dimensions.
Then, there is the degree at which we hold on to past impressions and experiences (those chitta and samskaras resurfacing!). The ability to change the thoughts, words and actions that are holding us in the past is determined by how much truth and honesty we can handle about ourselves and how much time, effort, and commitment we extend to make the changes necessary. Changes of the mind first occur through recognition and acknowledgment ~ softening ourselves to hear what another person has to say with an open heart. Then with contemplation and self-study, the scriptures and texts can support a rightful change of heart and mind. This is followed by prayer and meditation to create new thought patterns and a different future. The fruits of cause and effect.
These past few days, I returned to the heart teachings of Jesus. In Luke 6:35, Jesus speaks about loving people whom we do not love and he says, "Love your enemies! Do good to them! Lend to them! And don't be concerned that they might not repay. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to the unthankful and to those who are wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate." And, in Matthew 7:1, Jesus tells, "Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. For others will treat you as you treat them. Whatever measure you use in judging others, it will be used to measure how you are judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own?" These lessons are helpful reminders to examine motives and conduct and not judge others, as well as to love all beings unconditionally under all circumstances.
The traits that bother us in others are often the habits and character flaws we have ourselves. Debbie Ford speaks of this in her work on the Shadow Effect and it is quite helpful to keep turning the dial on the many different perspectives that are possible in a given situation. And, from there, see what we are responsible in creating and what we need to be accountable for in our own conduct in words and actions. Within that inquiry, is the place to create new habits. It is a vast exploration and honest self-inquiry is certainly not for the faint of heart. Willingness and humility are necessary. And in this process of imperfect humanity, I am still learning....
Then, there is the degree at which we hold on to past impressions and experiences (those chitta and samskaras resurfacing!). The ability to change the thoughts, words and actions that are holding us in the past is determined by how much truth and honesty we can handle about ourselves and how much time, effort, and commitment we extend to make the changes necessary. Changes of the mind first occur through recognition and acknowledgment ~ softening ourselves to hear what another person has to say with an open heart. Then with contemplation and self-study, the scriptures and texts can support a rightful change of heart and mind. This is followed by prayer and meditation to create new thought patterns and a different future. The fruits of cause and effect.
These past few days, I returned to the heart teachings of Jesus. In Luke 6:35, Jesus speaks about loving people whom we do not love and he says, "Love your enemies! Do good to them! Lend to them! And don't be concerned that they might not repay. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to the unthankful and to those who are wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate." And, in Matthew 7:1, Jesus tells, "Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. For others will treat you as you treat them. Whatever measure you use in judging others, it will be used to measure how you are judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own?" These lessons are helpful reminders to examine motives and conduct and not judge others, as well as to love all beings unconditionally under all circumstances.
The traits that bother us in others are often the habits and character flaws we have ourselves. Debbie Ford speaks of this in her work on the Shadow Effect and it is quite helpful to keep turning the dial on the many different perspectives that are possible in a given situation. And, from there, see what we are responsible in creating and what we need to be accountable for in our own conduct in words and actions. Within that inquiry, is the place to create new habits. It is a vast exploration and honest self-inquiry is certainly not for the faint of heart. Willingness and humility are necessary. And in this process of imperfect humanity, I am still learning....
Monday, April 12, 2010
Manas Chitta Ahamkara Buddhi
Ahhh, relationships. We love, we break up, we marry, we divorce, we love again, we long, we pursue, we desire, we give up, we start again, and somewhere along the line there is the realization that perhaps at the end of the day, all of our afflictions with the relationship and the pendulum swings of good and bad that we experience, my actually be coming from our perception. The other person may not be the problem at all. When we've been through enough relationships to see the same familiar patterns emerging over and over again, there usually comes a point where we say to ourselves, "Maybe it's me that needs to change and think differently. Maybe all of this "stuff" is coming from me!" And then what....we have a choice. Stay in the samskaric cycle of the karma of your relationship patterns or create new patterns.
One of the ways in which new patterns are created is through observation and meditation. This past weekend in the yoga education program we were discussing the four functions of the mind: manas, chitta, ahamkara and buddhi. Manas is our sensory and processing mind. The importer of ideas and information and the exporter of thoughts, words and actions. Chitta is the storage and memory bank of our impressions, our memories and our habits. Ahamkara is the "I-maker" or the ego, which feels itself to be a distinct, separate entity. It provides identity to our functioning, but also creates our feelings of separation, pain and alienation. Buddhi is the clearest point of the mind. It is the knower that knows. The doorway to inner wisdom and awakening.
Most of our lives are spent wrestling with chitta, the old impressions, and playing out hold habits that usually rise to the surface when our buttons are pushed. Then manas, our conscious mind, acts and responds and we are in the battle of ahamkara: what about ME! Even though that wise whisper may be echoing in the footfalls of the situation, buddhi is clouded. Meditation clears the manas, chitta and ahamkra so that buddhi is illuminated and clear perception becomes a more natural part of your thinking.
Sounds so simple. And, it is easy to love those who love us. It is easy to feel balanced and joyful and contented when things are going our way. Yet, when we are confronted with a situation or person in real present time that presses and stresses the "I", we often find ourselves acting out of a past habit, saying things we shouldn't say and know we will regret later even when we "know better". And then end up with a feeling of frustration that we failed again.
It was so timely that in the yoga education program we were learning this material and then as divine learning experiences happen when we pay attention, I was confronted with my own "stuff" in my own relationship. Tired from a long 8-hour day of teaching, preparing for the next day and feeling over-tired, a simple conversation turned into a clear observation of manas, chitta, ahamkara and buddhi in action. In the conversation, I was more reactive and emotional than usual and though I would chime in in between listening and speak from a place of divine purpose wanting the best for the other person, my past, latent experiences and impressions (that run so deep in all of us), and the ego personality of wanting what I wanted the way I wanted it and the words that came out of my mind from those places of affliction (self-grasping and attachment) left me feeling incredibly frustrated and saddened. And mostly, because I have the tools and skills to do better. And, I recognize so clearly when "in the moment" if I am stressed or not meditating that when confronted with a frustrating situation the ease at which I fall back into old habits, and patterns and the effort it takes to stay clear in thought so that words spoken are peaceful and loving, is difficult.
And so, working with these four functions of the mind in "real" time is the challenge, especially when over-tired, over-worked, under-nourished and generally stressed. And, this is why daily practice of meditation is essential. If we want to change our relationships and the dynamic of our relationships, we have to change our thinking and our relationship to the way we perceive our self and others.
One of the ways in which new patterns are created is through observation and meditation. This past weekend in the yoga education program we were discussing the four functions of the mind: manas, chitta, ahamkara and buddhi. Manas is our sensory and processing mind. The importer of ideas and information and the exporter of thoughts, words and actions. Chitta is the storage and memory bank of our impressions, our memories and our habits. Ahamkara is the "I-maker" or the ego, which feels itself to be a distinct, separate entity. It provides identity to our functioning, but also creates our feelings of separation, pain and alienation. Buddhi is the clearest point of the mind. It is the knower that knows. The doorway to inner wisdom and awakening.
Most of our lives are spent wrestling with chitta, the old impressions, and playing out hold habits that usually rise to the surface when our buttons are pushed. Then manas, our conscious mind, acts and responds and we are in the battle of ahamkara: what about ME! Even though that wise whisper may be echoing in the footfalls of the situation, buddhi is clouded. Meditation clears the manas, chitta and ahamkra so that buddhi is illuminated and clear perception becomes a more natural part of your thinking.
Sounds so simple. And, it is easy to love those who love us. It is easy to feel balanced and joyful and contented when things are going our way. Yet, when we are confronted with a situation or person in real present time that presses and stresses the "I", we often find ourselves acting out of a past habit, saying things we shouldn't say and know we will regret later even when we "know better". And then end up with a feeling of frustration that we failed again.
It was so timely that in the yoga education program we were learning this material and then as divine learning experiences happen when we pay attention, I was confronted with my own "stuff" in my own relationship. Tired from a long 8-hour day of teaching, preparing for the next day and feeling over-tired, a simple conversation turned into a clear observation of manas, chitta, ahamkara and buddhi in action. In the conversation, I was more reactive and emotional than usual and though I would chime in in between listening and speak from a place of divine purpose wanting the best for the other person, my past, latent experiences and impressions (that run so deep in all of us), and the ego personality of wanting what I wanted the way I wanted it and the words that came out of my mind from those places of affliction (self-grasping and attachment) left me feeling incredibly frustrated and saddened. And mostly, because I have the tools and skills to do better. And, I recognize so clearly when "in the moment" if I am stressed or not meditating that when confronted with a frustrating situation the ease at which I fall back into old habits, and patterns and the effort it takes to stay clear in thought so that words spoken are peaceful and loving, is difficult.
And so, working with these four functions of the mind in "real" time is the challenge, especially when over-tired, over-worked, under-nourished and generally stressed. And, this is why daily practice of meditation is essential. If we want to change our relationships and the dynamic of our relationships, we have to change our thinking and our relationship to the way we perceive our self and others.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Garbha Pindasana
It's taken 11 years. Eleven years to get to the point where I pass Garbha Pindasana in the Ashtanga Primary Series. The other day in practice, I finally had a temper tantrum and just looked at my teacher and said those words to him. "Eleven years and I can't get past Garbha Pindasana." He looked at me with a knowing glance and said, "Get the water." Spraying my arms and legs down like a plant, he helped me pull my arms through the legs and work through the pose. "Don't think", he said, as my brow furrowed. I listened and with relative ease and comfort I got past Garbha Pindasana. The rest of the series is cake for me after that pose. I felt complete, at last. And a little saddened.
I realize that my relationship to Garbha Pindasana is not a physical issue. I can sit in full lotus and pull my arms through my legs. I mean, it's not easy, but with some help, I am capable of doing the pose without too many physical limitations. It is the emotional place, however, where I am stuck. It's all in my emotional body where I feel the deepest sensations and frustrations, especially when I'm rolling around to come back to the front of the mat and sit up on the hands in Kukkutasana and I fall over to the side. I have a couple of choices at this point. Start over and muscle through on my own or wait for help as I lay on my side bound in a fetal position because I cannot roll back to the center on my own. I need help, and help is something I am not used to having or asking for in my life. Oh, the symbolism of our poses and our life, our practice and our personality is rich and vast.
And so, today, I was able to roll around the mat nine times and come back to the beginning by myself, but I needed help rocking up onto my hands into Kukkutasana. The inner elbows are so bruised from the pose that I couldn't get up and started crying. The frustration and the sensations that this pose inspires are deep. It's not just being able to achieve the pose. There is much more that is going on within my soul. The cause and effect of the karmic vibrations that make up our existence in the past, present and future begins to make sense as I move through Garbha Pindasana.
My teacher says, "Just feel the sensation. Accept the emotion. We all have them. Let them be." He smiles and walks away and with that I wonder. And, I feel a tear stream down my face. My teacher has seen all my moods over the last 11 years - knowingly, unknowingly - the way a teacher does. The relationship frustrations, the joys of life, the calm, the tiredness, the injuries, the questioning, the seeking, the understanding, the simplicity, the complications. Quite simply, the ongoing and forever changes of a person. He sees all of me, as I am, and as I show up, and I often wonder what does he perceive. Who is the me that he sees.
Garbha Pindasana humbles me and it softens me and it reminds me to return to the seed, the embryo. This is where life begins.
I realize that my relationship to Garbha Pindasana is not a physical issue. I can sit in full lotus and pull my arms through my legs. I mean, it's not easy, but with some help, I am capable of doing the pose without too many physical limitations. It is the emotional place, however, where I am stuck. It's all in my emotional body where I feel the deepest sensations and frustrations, especially when I'm rolling around to come back to the front of the mat and sit up on the hands in Kukkutasana and I fall over to the side. I have a couple of choices at this point. Start over and muscle through on my own or wait for help as I lay on my side bound in a fetal position because I cannot roll back to the center on my own. I need help, and help is something I am not used to having or asking for in my life. Oh, the symbolism of our poses and our life, our practice and our personality is rich and vast.
And so, today, I was able to roll around the mat nine times and come back to the beginning by myself, but I needed help rocking up onto my hands into Kukkutasana. The inner elbows are so bruised from the pose that I couldn't get up and started crying. The frustration and the sensations that this pose inspires are deep. It's not just being able to achieve the pose. There is much more that is going on within my soul. The cause and effect of the karmic vibrations that make up our existence in the past, present and future begins to make sense as I move through Garbha Pindasana.
My teacher says, "Just feel the sensation. Accept the emotion. We all have them. Let them be." He smiles and walks away and with that I wonder. And, I feel a tear stream down my face. My teacher has seen all my moods over the last 11 years - knowingly, unknowingly - the way a teacher does. The relationship frustrations, the joys of life, the calm, the tiredness, the injuries, the questioning, the seeking, the understanding, the simplicity, the complications. Quite simply, the ongoing and forever changes of a person. He sees all of me, as I am, and as I show up, and I often wonder what does he perceive. Who is the me that he sees.
Garbha Pindasana humbles me and it softens me and it reminds me to return to the seed, the embryo. This is where life begins.
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